Why I'm Single (Part Two Of An Annotated Anthology)

Now, I don't know what you people like to do on Saturday nights, but I've spent the evening alternately watching stand up comedy on television and searching the interwebz for YouTube videos of Lee Pace (or as I like to think of him, "My Boyfriend"). And I'm not ashamed. I went out Friday night only to be equal parts exhausted and irritated by the lack of single, available, non-mutant males (read: Lee Pace lookalikes) in the vicinity of my barstool. There were a few near misses. For instance, a well dressed architect called Richard who seemed promising at first, but then he opened his mouth and began to remind me increasingly of Will Arnett (think Gob from Arrested Development), which made me want to lobotomize myself. Why are the interesting ones always trolls and the good looking ones always BATSHIT CRAZY?? That means if I don't wish to die alone, I'll probably have to pick between Stephen Hawking or Mel Gibson. Either way, WIN.

Hang on. Can we just talk about 'ol Mel for a hot second? I know, I know, I'm sick of hearing about him at this point, too, and yes, he's a wretched demon from the bowels of hell, the likes of which could give the evil pterodactyl that is Ann Coulter a run for her money (whatever Mom, GET OFF ME, that woman is terrifying and it's got nothing to do with her politics) and blah blah blah, but seriously every time they play the tapes of him screeching obscenities as if he's suffering from Tourette Syndrome and making random guttural animal noises, the only reaction that I can muster is to giggle with wild abandon and try desperately to think of a way to make those recordings into a drinking game and/or an iPhone app. Do with that what you will.

Anywhoo, we have much more important matters to discuss...Back to Lee Pace. I realize that you all probably think that I'm...let's just say "a bit off", shall we? And many have asked me who the heck he even is. If you were one of the people silly enough to ask such a question, you probably regretted doing so about 2 hours later, after I had finished telling you his entire life story (as told by IMDB and Wikipedia) and filmography (with corresponding plot synopses and personal reviews), in addition to describing in detail every dream I've ever had about him as well as how I see our future together panning out (If you people do your job right and pimp this blog out for me, eventually it will lead to a book deal, which will in turn be adapted into a film, which will naturally star Lee Pace. During filming, Lee and I will be working very closely together and Perez Hilton will catch wind of the behind the scenes shenanigans and eventually out us as a couple despite the months of painstaking effort to hide our love from the press a la Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Big dreams. Big dreams all around). So, what I'm trying to convey here is that Lee Pace is one very big reason why I'm single. I'm not entirely sure whether I blame Lee Pace for ruining the rest of the species for me or if I just blame the rest of the species for not being Lee Pace. I'm leaning towards the latter. (By the way, speaking of the Pattinson/Stewart unholy union, I heard recently that My Boyfriend Lee has been cast in the next installment of Twilight, at which point I promptly had a grand mal seizure of joy and then ran around in circles chasing my tail out of happiness for about an hour. The rest of the cast better understand what an honor it is for him to grace them with his presence and act accordingly, or I will give Kristen Stewart something to cry about. Sadly this means I have to sit through another Twilight movie...Oh, the things we do for love). Christ, if this post alone doesn't make it ABUNDANTLY clear why I'm single, then I don't really know what will...

We all know I could go on to write at least one novel about the lovely Lee, but I'm falling asleep at the moment. I will, however, leave you with my newest favorite Lee video. It's a short film (5 min) called Polarbearman and I think I might just watch it on a loop for the rest of my life. As if his gorgeous eyebrows and 6'3 frame weren't enough to make me swoon, he also wants to save the polar bears, and that makes me want to just rock him back and forth as I stroke his hair and sing softly to him until he drifts off to sleep in my arms. Bless his heart. If this doesn't make you want to settle down in the 'burbs with him and adopt Chinese babies...well, then...you're clearly not me.