In any case, being one of you, as well as being a single female who is almost certainly addicted to Facebook, I logged on (In? On.) this morning as I have most previous mornings, by clicking that little FB app on my iPhone (because who uses an actual computer anymore? Sidebar: They still get viruses from porn! How is this still a thing? iPhones don't get porn viruses...if only Steve Jobs was here to explain his damn self...but I digress. Also, what porn? Who said that?? I'm writing this on my phone. Sigh.) What was I talking about? Oh, right. So I log onto Le Facebook, or Big Brother as it would be more aptly named, and I very quickly realize that Facebook *knows*, you guys. Facebook knows my age, my single and childless status, that I get drunk and take selfies way too often (ok everyone knows that, but still). Facebook tailors it's marketing to *your individual fucking issues* now. And Facebook thinks it's my mother.
So the first thing I see is yet another article along the lines of "The Worst Types of Men to Date", "Why You Attract the Worst Types of Men to Date", "Bitch, Get It Together", "Seriously, What Are You Doing With Your Life, Woman?" etc ad nauseum infinitum.
I would love to lie to you and say I laugh and scroll past these articles. I really would. And most of the time I do. Sometimes I click on this crap. And (spoiler alert) these articles are malarkey. Mostly because "don't date an abusive guy" is not good advice. It's common fucking sense.
Here's the thing: The men we're dating (or the vast majority of them, at least) are not bad. They're not psychos or sociopaths. They're just frustrating. And we're impatient. Because we're turning 30 and most of them are kind of stupid about women. That's why they're still single.
So, ladies, here is the only list of Safe Men To Date. You tell me if you'd actually be into it...
1. The Virgin
Let's be real, here. If you give a man his first sexual experience...you own that man. And you could be the actual worst lay in world history. The great part is, he won't know the difference, and he'll be just as terrible as you are. But at least he has an excuse.
2. Any Close Male Relative
Ok, stay with me on this one. If you can get past that whole icky incest thang, this guy already loves you, and would never hurt you! Be it your dad's cute younger bro or your hot first cousin, this one is a clear win. (Sidenote: Exception being a younger brother. Because...annoying.)
3. Pedophiles In Hiding
Look, as long as they're not throwing it in your face. I mean, you won't know until the boys in blue come for the guy (or the SWAT team, depending on level of perversion) and then boom, you're just an innocent victim. Plus, his internet porn addiction will keep him busy and he won't pester you for all the sex, since you're just his cover. Excellent choice.
4. Gay Men
Obviously. Do I need to...Good. Glad we're on the same page. This is the clear choice.
5. Donald Trump
Because that makes as much sense as any of the above.
6.
6......
Nope, these are your only options. Deal with it. Or just be bitterly lonely forever. Your call. Either way, can we all agree that Facebook might actually be the brainchild of my mother...
Kanye4President
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