Once Upon A Time...

First of all, I'm sorry I've neglected you chickens all weekend. Such is life. Hopefully you've had better things to do than read this nonsense, anyway. Other than the usual red carpet events and glamourous parties that comprise my weekends (read: dinner with my mother and Chrissy, and a debutante party--though the latter WAS actually fabulously glamourous, and I'd expect no less from the rock star that is Mary Ann), I've managed to finish a rather interesting short novel called Briar Rose. It's based on the Sleeping Beauty fairytale, the dark side being that it's about the Holocaust. Moving stuff (though whether it's appropriate to write about the Holocaust in such terms is questionable). In any case, it started me thinking about my favorite fairytales growing up. And the inevitable and irrevocable psychological scars inflicted thereby.

Take, for example, Beauty and the Beast (Little Marisa's Very Favorite Disney Movie). Allow me to break this down for you. Obnoxious, arrogant A-f*ck (Prince Not-So-Charming) is taught a lesson when he is turned into a giant dog (and Jesus Crush, do I know a few aging frat boys who could benefit from such a fate). Enter pretty, bookish girl who isn't really all that aware that she's nice to look at. Perhaps she's lovely and humble and modest. Or maybe she's just an intellectual elitist snob. Blah blah blah and nevertheless, they fall in love and the spell is broken and he is transformed from rabid dog to lovestruck puppy to handsome and contrite prince, all in a timely manner. Nevermind the fact that he first kept her as his prisoner and inflicted a lifetime's worth of psychological trauma on the poor girl (Stockholm Syndrome, anyone? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at the very least!?). What does this teach impressionable young girls? Other than to never lose hope that your abusive boyfriend will one day transform from psychotic wife-beater to model husband, if you just love him unconditionally and never, never leave him! Good call, parents.

Let's be honest, pretty much every fairytale you can think of is complete and utter crap. I'm hardly a feminazi, but why do the women in fairytales always have to be so passive and pathetic? I get that they're old-fashioned, but if Steve Jobs can come up with a new snazzy gadget every 30 seconds, can we not update the drivel being spoon-fed to adolescent girls on a daily basis? Come on, folks, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty are basically dead to the world until some guy comes along and kisses them back to life?! Why teach girls to just wait patiently until they're chosen by some jackass with highly questionable motives, and then their life can finally begin? A life of cooking for him, cleaning for him, and popping out a bunch of brats because you're so bored with each other you can't think of anything else to do.

It's not that I don't ever want to get married or have kids or anything like that. Because I do. Maybe. But it makes me a little sad that so many girls I know are just settling down before they've even done anything, or seen what's out there (i.e., the WORLD). We're 24 years old, and honestly, half of them will be divorced in 10 years. What's the hurry? It's like as soon as we finished college, half of the women I knew just decided Welp, I don't have any specific career goals in mind so I better marry the first guy who asks just so it looks like my life is moving forward in some capacity. And next time they feel the pressure of not being a complete person, oops, time to have a kid, that should keep me busy for the next 18 years. Well, thanks but no thanks, you keep your husbands and adorable babies, I'll hang on to my youth and freedom a little longer, a-thank you very much.

Not that I'm bitter, believe me, I support my friends in whatever they choose to do with their lives and Christ knows I don't have it all figured out. But we all judge, whether we admit it or not. I, for one, readily and unabashedly admit it. I enjoy quietly (and often, not so quietly) judging other people, and I'm not ashamed. Do with that what you will. In the meantime, I'm off to plan my next adventure, Indiana Jones style. I'll let you know how that works out.