All You Ever Wanted To Say In A Cover Letter

Soooooo....is anyone else contemplating suicide at the prospect of writing one more effing cover letter, or am I the only unemployed person left on my planet? Seriously, razor blades and sleeping pills, people. It's getting even harder considering at this point, I don't even want AN single one of the positions I'm applying for. Not that I even know what most of them are, due to the fact that the overwhelming majority of Craigslist job ads are inexplicably anonymous (seriously, it's not the Casual Encounters section, what are they so ashamed of??)...Cutting to the chase, this evening, instead of being remotely productive, I sat down to compose the world's most heart-wrenchingly honest cover letter, which I submit without further adieu, for your amusement....

Dear Sir and/or Madam,

I am writing in response to the anonymous post that you placed on Craigslist yesterday advertising an open clerical position within your unnamed company. Please excuse my informality, as your 12-word-long, egregiously misspelled and infuriatingly uninformative ad left me unsure as to whom I should address this obviously vital introduction.

In any case, I would like to share with you a little bit about moi. Having recently finished my MA in International Relations, I find myself living with my parents once again (a situation which, I'm sure you can appreciate, is less than ideal), while I apply for countless positions for which your average primate might be considered overqualified. Among my myriad special skills, I can read AND I have been successfully answering the phone since I was around four years old (in ENGLISH, no less!).

I am proficient in Excel, Microsoft Office, Facebook, and Googling random stuff when I'm bored. I can also text message 80-90 words per minute, a-thank you very much.

As you can probably surmise from this letter, I fancy myself something of a fledgling writer and humourist. I even have a blog that boasts almost a full DOZEN followers*, so you'll be very welcome for the free publicity you will be entitled to should you decide to offer me my Big Break.

In truth, the blog could go viral any minute and in that case, I will be sure to give two weeks notice in order to train Bubbles the Chimp as my replacement before I jet to the big city to be wooed by publishers and to househunt with my new boyfriend, actor Lee Pace. Just in the spirit of full disclosure, you understand.

I will, however, make myself fully available to you until then (like an insecure girl on prom night, folks), because as of right now, alls I gots to my name is a tiny, obscure corner of the interwebz and an increasingly unhealthy obsession with Lee Pace, and let's face it--That Shit Don't Pay. Yet.

Nevertheless, I am confident that I will be an adequate trained monkey and a bright and shiny addition to whatever swanky little operation you're running over there, so it would be swell if you could just cut the crap and let me know the when and the where of it all so I can stop turning tricks, digging through people's sofa cushions, and being an endless source of crushing disappointment to my mother. Thanks a bunch, KBYE.

Regards,

Marisa

*So there's that. And, PS, If you anonymous readers bump my number of followers up to 20 this week, I will actually send this cover letter out with my next three job applications (NO MATTER WHAT MY MOM SAYS) and if I get any responses I'll be sure to post them verbatim. So tell your friends.

UPDATE: 20? Did I say 20? I meant 40. I'll send out one now. But if you want three, I want 40. And you can't ALL be friends with Matthew Chester. Yes, Matty, you have yourself to blame for this one.

Ok, for 40 I'll make it five applications. I would like to emphasize that Matthew totes cheated, though =P