How I Have Friends At All Is Beyond Me

Ok, this post is going to be unusual. But that photo is pretty vital. I'm about to transcribe for you an average text message conversation between myself and my BFF^Maxpower For Life, Caroline. This particular exchange occurred between last night and this morning, and is IN NO WAY the strangest conversation we've ever had. We haven't lived in the same state since high school and were in different countries for the last year and a half, so we keep things spicy by carrying on a pretty intense textual relationship. In fact, I regularly delete most of my text message history involving lesser life forms, and yet I have every text between Caroline and I saved since around last January (because, Jesus Crush, it's pretty much crammed with comedy gold). Also, I miss her in a totally heterosexual way that occasionally causes bursts of physical pain inside of my heart. But, you know, in a totally heterosexual way. I will preface this by saying that I have been reading a lot of stuff on the interwebz about animals and nature lately, because hey, unemployed, bucketloads of sweet free time, etc. By the way, for reference, Caroline just moved in with her parents in West Virginia or some such nonsensical place and is currently not doing much more than I am, only she's in the middle of nowhere with naught but cows for company. Anyway, the following makes it pretty self-evident why Caroline and I have been friends for like 16 years:

Marisa (September 2, 2010 9:53 PM): Did you know ostriches have FUCKING TEETH?!

Caroline: All birds have the DNA for teeth it's just not usually expressed. Sometimes it shows up like if a person is born with a tail. Did not know about the ostriches though. Am now scared of ostriches.

M: Shutup with your smart people facts and whatnot! I'm talking about birds who can run 45mph and have GIANT fucking FANGS.

C: I told you I'm scared of them! What more do you want from me?! I miss you.

M: Miss you too. But I'm really distressed about the ostriches. It's right up there with learning that a 3 ton hippo can chase down and kill your average Olympic sprinter. Shit just ain't right.

C: Yeah that's true. And both those animals looked so cute in Fantasia!

M: It's a harsh world, man. Harsh.

C: Seriously.

M: Speaking of which, have you made any progress with your cow friendship quest?

C: I think one PEED AT ME this afternoon. Bitch was staring right at me!

M: Mean Cows?! That whore. I'll let you know if I find any horrific new info you should know about cows.

C: Thanks. You really can't be too careful.

M: Yea I mean, I would have to laugh if you were murdered by a cow somehow, but I'd be very upset. That kinda death is pretty embarrassing for the family.

C: Yeah well don't mention that I got peed at in your eulogy.

M: It's not like you got peed ON, though. I will be sure to stress the 'at'. Don't worry, your postmortem reputation is safe with me...mwahahaha

C: Thanks. I think.

M: Maybe I'll just get up there and out you as the real Batman. I've been steadily compiling doctored photos of you to that effect for years, by the way. I'll be like "She heroically defeated the Joker, only to be thwarted in her prime by a Mad Cow..."

C: So sad to peak so young.

M: What a waste. Just senseless. Hold me?

C: But of course!

M: Yeaaaa actually I was talking to the widower...this is awkward...don't worry, I will console Chris when you're gone ;)

C: Nooooo!!! I'm counting on him to throw himself on my funeral pyre.

M: Girl please, we all know I'm most likely to shove him aside and pounce on the casket in my grief.

C: Well that's a fair trade.

M: This conversation took a dark turn somewhere...

C: It started with fanged ostriches and malicious bovine urination. I'm not surprised.

M: True. Probably not even remotely the weirdest convo we've ever had, either.

C: Nah.

M: Funny how my first thought upon seeing a photo of an angry fanged ostrich was 'HOLY CRAP, I must warn Caroline!'

C: Well you just never know.

M: Word.

***a short time later***

M: Dude you need to Google Joe Davis. Why? "He stuck microphones inside the vaginas of the entire Boston Ballet, and shot the sound of them contracting into space. Why? Because fuck Carl Sagan, that's why!" He's a scientist artist with a peg leg and thus, Awesome.

C: Hahahahahahaha amazing.

M: I KNOW, right?! Mankind 1, Alien Life Forms 0. PS, anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant. What! Yea. It's on a tshirt. That I need like 7 of.

C: Where is that shirt?! I must have it!!!!

M: Snorgtees.com, and you're welcome. The description of the shirt reads "If anyone questions your spelling of irrelephant make sure to hit them with a tennis racket." Oh and the elephant graphic is so cute I want to die. I need a job. If for no reason other than so I can afford to buy that shirt in every color of the rainbow. Because when is that ever not an appropriate addition to an outfit, I ask you?

C: I know, it's adorable!!!!!!!! Hahahaha 'I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one'.

M: Gah! Why is my entire wardrobe not made up of stuff off that website?! Fuck fashion.

C: Seriously they have some awesome shirts!!!

M: I kind of want to send one to Heidi Klum, with a note that reads "Michael Kors, WHO?!"

C: You should definitely do that.

M: I feel like I should post some of our text messages on the blog. Shit is pretty real. OH! I'm sending you a link about pirates on FB, it's pretty fucking amusing.

C: Maybe you should. For public safety. People need to know about the dangers posed by ostriches and cows.

M: Don't forget the effing HIPPOS!

SO I think you'll all agree that we're pretty much soulmates, right? She just gets me. She also appreciates the films of Paulie Shore as much as I do, which is like, enough said right there, right? Right.