Salutations, friends! I would like to take this moment to announce the engagement of my oldest and dearest friend, Caroline (of previous ostrich post fame) to her charming boyfriend, Christopher, and offer them congratulations and best wishes. I would also like to give Caroline major kudos for her excellent taste in bridesmaids, as she has wisely requested that I serve as Maid of Honor. She had little choice in this matter, as I basically threatened her continued existence on this earth should she elect another, plus I exercised the always-apropos "I CALL MAID OF HONOR" method of bridesmaid-pickin'. I was all "SO-I'M-YOUR-MOH-RIGHT?! RIGHT." And she was all questionable grunts, awkward coughs, and finally, sighs of resignation.
So...You're welcome, BFF. Now that that's been settled, I'm told that being a MOH comes with many, many responsibilities (and, as we all know, I'm awesome at responsibilities). In fact, there are MOH checklists to be found all over the interwebz, and I have been super on top of that. Upon googling my duties to the bride, I found a few that were understandable, a couple that were hilarious, and a handful that were downright untenable. For instance, I am perfectly amenable to handling all cake and liquor tastings that might be deemed necessary (liquor tastings are a thing, right...?), as well as planning the bachelorette party (Penis cake, sex toys, midget strippers, hotel rooms, bars, booze, prison. Done. And. Done.). Continuing down the list, I did a double take at the sentence "Make sure the bride arrives to the ceremony". D'oh, what now? So if she decides to pull a Graduate, that's somehow going to be construed as MY FAULT. I think not. Then there's the one that says on her wedding day I get to field messages back and forth between her and the groom and anyone else who's got something to say. Heh. Did you guys ever play telephone when you were children? If so, then you can imagine how this could get real in a hurry, Amiright?! Oh, giggles...
Also, I get to be keeper of the groom's ring. Combine that duty with the maturity level of your average Marisa and you get a grown ass woman doing impressions of Gollum from Lord of the Rings. All Day Long. Talk about your fairytale weddings.
Then, of course, we mustn't forget that I get to give a toast. Woof. So, that will go on for about 90 minutes, at least 20 of which will be unintelligible between the drunken slurring and the hysterical weeping and hyperventilating that usually comes hand in hand with public speaking (if you're me, at least).
One of my favorites has to be the one where I'm in charge of the "money bag". I don't know who's writing this list, but the only time I've ever seen that go down was in The Godfather. In any case, it begs the question once again of why on earth people want to keep putting me in charge of large amounts of cash. The mind reels.
Last, but certainly not least, the list reminds me that I am to be a QUOTE "Fluffer (!)" for the bride. A FLUFFER. Like in porn. And weddings. Am I on glue...?
It goes without saying that Caroline will now be the fluffiest effing bride this town's ever seen. People need to be more careful when they make bulleted lists. Think about what havoc your harmless little list could do in the wrong hands, folks. Hands like these.
So, those are the highlights of what I'm expected to do, and honestly, I had no idea the Maid of Honor is basically in charge of Absolutely Everything. Can I quit now? No? Fine.
However. I do feel that since I'll be handling all the stressful stuff like fluffing your damn dress, you should be aware of a few things I will require as well:
1. Alcohol
2. Cake
3. A bridesmaid dress that doesn't make me look like a member of the Insane Clown Posse and that elegantly hides a slightly protruding belly full of cake. Also, more cake.
4. Horse tranquilizers on hand for my inevitable "WHY ARE ALL MY FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING OFFSPRING AND CAREERS AND I'M STILL LIVING WITH MY MOTHER?!" complete and utter breakdown. This could happen multiple times between now and your wedding day, so just be prepared is all that I ask.
5. Oh, so much more alcohol.
6. If you could manage to throw me a Patrick Dempsey somehow, that would be pretty sweet. Just sayin'.
See, that's not so bad, right? I think you should be able to handle that, Caroline. Once again, you're welcome. Congrats, Poodle!
